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Young Writers Society



Nature Poem

by Poseidon's Daughter


Birds chirping their soft lullaby,

Heat raining down from the sun in the sky.

A gentle wind whispering in my ear,

Whlie trees sway softly, showing no fear.

Ants crawling slowly across the brown earth,

As flowers come into bloom, showing new birth.

The velvety feel of the green and yellow grass.

Showing these signs, as spring comes to pass.

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297 Reviews

Points: 9917
Reviews: 297

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Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:34 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Alright then here goes. *cracks knuckles*
I would suggest that you shorten the second line, Take a word or two out of that sentance. Its messing with the flow of your poem with it longer than all your other ilnes. You should also change gentile to gentle. If that is a spelling mistake. Also the exclamation points are awkward at the end of these sentances. They don't belong there. I would suggest commas instead. Other than this I can't find anything wrong with it. It's a sweet little poem about nature. Good luck with your writing.

~Kaylyn




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86 Reviews

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Fri Jun 05, 2009 10:16 am
AlyssaKyle wrote a review...



Hello there! And welcome to YWS!
Okay, to the reviewing part of today's program. Unless the wind has a specific religion, you might want to change 'gentile' to 'gentle'. : ) This is on a personal note, but the exclamation points make me feel like I have to be excited at the end of the lines, messing up the flow. Otherwise, the rhyme scheme did not feel forced at all, which is very hard to accomplish, and the poem had a natural meter to it. This was cute. Nice job.
Hope that helped,
-Alyssa




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141 Reviews

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:32 pm
thedelphinater wrote a review...



Hi! You're new here, so I'll try to be fairly normal and not scare you away! :P

Heat raining down fromt the sun as it lights up the sky.

This line was too long, and threw off the flow of the poem. All the other lines were fairly short, but this one was unusually long. You could try something like "Heat raining down from the sunny sky." Or something like that. Also, you had a typo on "from".

Ants crawling slosly across the bown earth.

Two typos: I'm assuming it's "slowly", not "slosly", and that it's "brown", not "bown".

Other than those two little things this was good. Except for that one line, the flow was good. Grammar and rhyme scheme were good, too. I liked the imagery and descriptions you used as well. My only suggestion would be the punctuation. It's boring, quite frankly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, it's just very repetitious. Every line doesn't have to end in a period. Anyway, hope this helped!





Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain